Believe it or not, in this 21st century, there are still many people who have been taught and believe that masturbation is bad. When first practiced as a youth, teenager, or teenager, it is often a new and exhilarating experience. The sensations that fill your body can fill you with a sense of power and delight. You can imagine making love with your ideal partner without the dangers of pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases, or heartbreak.

But then there comes a time when a major life task is to connect with and learn to love another human being. Creating an intimate relationship is rewarding in many ways. You start to feel that you are accepted and loved, appreciated, recognized and special. You feel like a sexual man or a sexy and sensual woman.

In the early stages of a new relationship, hormones flood your system. Even if you have developed a consistent masturbation practice, you may choose to temporarily abstain because you are in love with your new love. Even if you include masturbation every week, between intimate encounters with a partner, you can enjoy sexual activities just as much as your alone time. If you’re a teenager or in your 20s or 30s, you can probably easily handle both private self-stimulation and partnered sexual activity.

However, once that early romantic phase of limerence, sensual and sexual arousal, and total absorption with the person you sexually desire is over, once the initial excitement and glow wears off, you can return to your usual patterns. If your usual pattern was to secretly use your imagination, privately use toys like a vibrator, or watch stimulating pornographic scenes, you can begin to increase the time you spend in private and decrease your partner’s sexual interaction.

Don’t you believe this? Many men and women, though mostly men, have succumbed to privately enjoying their own sexual stimulation while draining their arousal and energy. When their partner is looking for contact, sexual connection, to be seen, wanted and appreciated, that partner can feel like no one is home. The partner may keep trying to seduce you, but you continually spend your energy and deplete your desire in your private fantasy world.

This is what could be considered the evils of masturbation. What may have started out as an enjoyable pastime while waiting to connect with another human being in love, can become an obstacle and a barrier to achieving and sustaining that love. This little private “secret” is destroying relationships.

If you find yourself stuck in a pattern of preferring your alone time to practice self-stimulation instead of sharing your desire and pleasure with your partner, then it’s time to reflect on your life and relationship. Something is not right and NOW is the time to face it, not 20 years later, after your partner has continued to suffer and you have harbored a secret sense of disappointment, shame, and a sense of sexual inadequacy.

Even a brief period of counseling with a qualified sex therapist can help you recognize what has sparked this private practice and what currently sustains it. As you open up to yourself and share your hidden emotional life with your partner, that old romance and sensual excitement can return as love begins to rekindle and blossom.