I’m going to show you the exact method narcissists use to manipulate your perceptions so they can vent to you and get their needs met and put up with their bad feelings. Narcissists are tricky, but they are also formulaic and have noticeable behavior patterns when taught how to spot them.

Narcissists have unresolved personal issues that they are forced to deal with on a regular and ongoing basis. When this barrage of bad feelings hits, their method of relieving the pain is to emotionally abuse others into accepting it as their own. All narcissists use this method because it does three things for them:

• Immediately remove it. They feel that it is your problem and not theirs. You are the troublemaker and they are trouble free. When you’re feeling bad and you’re doing bad, it makes them feel good, especially if they’re the ones who made you feel bad.

• They feel like a good person in the process, another narcissistic requirement, although the definition of good and social good means different things to different narcissists.

• And finally, they enjoy hurting you. They get pleasure from your bread. It makes them feel powerful and in control of you, which makes them feel good and in control of themselves.

They have an internal need to dump their problems on you, but they can’t appear malicious while doing it or they’d have nothing to begin with.

They need to be your “friend” to take the opportunity to “help” you with the problem they just created for you. Narcissists always make sure there are plenty of problems to capitalize on. If there is not a problem, they will create it.

So the problem is not a problem itself, the problem is that they need an outlet right now and they have to create a problem to get it. This is how they turn nothing into something they can use for years and years against you, building on that successively.

Here is his procedure:

1. Create a problem that involves you, then turn it so that you are accountable and obligated to fix it.

You must be involved because then they can rotate it properly so that you have to be the one to fix it. Not only does it involve, but you caused it, you are the source of the problem, and your behavior should be corrected by them. You are responsible for this particular problem, because it involves something you did, like leaving clean clothes in the dryer for too long.

Creating problems is the hard part, so they usually keep a list of things in their heads that they can use. This list is built over time, and they are constantly finding and keeping new angles to tease you.

Spinning is the easy part, because you will do the work for them with your low self-esteem. They have already chosen and specially selected you as their victim, and you will bear the brunt of their abuse. While creating a problem requires testing, putting it all into yourself is personal and emotional; it requires no reason or logic. They make you feel like it’s your fault and being a good person you will rush to fix it.

The problem is that leaving clean clothes in the dryer is not an adequate excuse and cannot justify the mistreatment they have to inflict on you, so they have to make it much worse than it is or they will look bad.

What will be the problem? Well, it all depends on how you behave and live your life. Narcissists turn positive character traits into character flaws that bother them. No matter what you do, they are going to find things wrong with you. They have to disagree with you as a person if you’re going to be their doormat.

Your exceptional qualities that set you apart from others are the biggest risk to them. By denigrating the things you hold most dear about yourself, they kill two birds with one stone, not only draining your source of strength against them, but also turning it into a weapon against you. If you are a human being on planet earth, they will find something “wrong” with you.

2. Position yourself as the Victim of the Problem and the Only One Who Can Possibly Solve It

It is crucial that the distinction is made without saying: you caused the problem and they are its victims, which makes you feel like you are wrong and the bad guy. Unless you take action to remedy it, you did it on purpose and enjoy hurting him.

Now you speed it up and dive in trying to alleviate the problem, but something strange happens: you are actually being prevented from solving the problem, aggressively obstructed and questioned.

Because? Because you cannot solve the problem, you are not capable. If you did that you would be good and redeem yourself for abusing them. They must be the ones to do it, because they are great. They don’t have to figure it out because they’re not responsible for it, but they will because they’re fantastic people.

3. Now that you’re forced to figure it out, you’ll be undermined and set up to fail

The object here is to make you feel bad, that you weren’t enough and you failed them not through lack of effort but because you are inadequate. Remember that no matter what you do, you will fail, they have already taken care of that.

If you somehow manage to overcome their barriers and solve the problem, they must compensate by being less satisfied with your solution. This is even worse because now they have to abuse you in a different and more direct way to vent their angst.

Now they just need to steal the show from you, persevere, and “solve” the problem themselves. As you probably guessed, there is no troubleshooting. Since they are the ones who created the problem, they are in control and can make it go away by not bringing it up again.

It’s “resolved” because they feel better and successfully screwed up on you. The issue has served its true purpose by covering up the real issue and can now vanish into thin air.

They feel better because now they have their liberation, they no longer feel so self-conscious and the image they have of themselves is not only intact, but reinforced and without imperfections. However, yours is not and you are worse off now than you were before this “problem” arose.

The problem was that they felt bad and needed to dump it on you. They throw it away because they can’t express it, let alone acknowledge it themselves. All they know is that they feel bad and abusing you makes them feel better.

Solving the problem makes things worse for them and for you. They will not get their release, they will feel bad and they will find another way to vent to you, maybe with the same problem but most likely with a new one.

Thank you for reading!