Do you wish you had a better relationship with your spouse? Don’t know what to do to increase communication and emotional intimacy?

Recently, Christian Godefroy published a story titled “The Dancing Cow” in a newsletter I receive. When I read the story, I immediately thought of how the main point applies to married couples.

Here is the story:

Michal and Kental started arguing about which of them wrote the best music.
“My music is better,” said Michal. “My melodies bring tears to the eyes of all women.”

“No, my music is better,” Kental disagreed. “My scores are lovelier than anything else! Your music couldn’t move a cow, my poor Michal.”

“And what do you think? That your scores would make her dance?”

The dispute was at its height when a peasant passed by, leading his cow back home from the field. The two musicians saw the opportunity to put their theories to the test.

“Hello,” they said. “Would you mind if we played something for your cow?”

“Well, if it gives you pleasure, why not? It’s seen far worse in its day, I assure you.”

Michal warmed his hands, tuned his balalaika (string instrument of Russian origin) and played the most beautiful tune ever heard by a cow. But without
result: the beast chewed the cud without moving an ear.

Annoyed, Michal passed the instrument to his compatriot, who played a lively score with the same result: no reaction from the cow.

“It’s a lost cause,” Michal yelled. “Your cow has no ear for music.”

“Well, I don’t know anything about that,” replied the peasant. “If you lend me your instrument for a moment, I could play something for her.”

Intrigued, Michal and Kental handed over the balalaika. The peasant made an effort to imitate the buzzing of the flies and the mooing of the vaquitas. The cow raised its ears, began to wag its tail from side to side and approached the peasant as if to better listen to the music.

The main point of the story according to Godefrey is that “if you have trouble communicating with people, it may be that, like Michal and Kental, you are not playing the music that they are used to hearing.” This is really profound wisdom!

In other words, you have to start where the other person is, using that person’s frame of reference. You can’t start where you are if the other person isn’t in the same place and doesn’t have the same background and experience. First, you have to enter the world of the other person and start with what is familiar to him to get his attention.

In the story, perhaps over time the cow might have learned to respond to music other than the sounds the farmer played in the beginning. But initially, the cow showed no reaction until the farmer reproduced the sounds with which the cow could identify and with which she was familiar: the buzzing of flies and the mooing of vaquitas.

So the starting point for getting the cow’s attention and engagement was to start making the sounds that the cow was most familiar with. The cow was able to relate to those sounds and responded with attention and movement.

Wondering how this applies to building a better relationship with your spouse? This is all you need to remember to apply the moral of the dancing cow story: To start building better communication and relationship with your spouse, start in their world first: enter their world and start where you are now.

Here are some suggestions:

1. Temporarily minimize your own needs and what you want from your spouse. Start conversations where you ask your spouse about their day, their job, and their activities, showing interest and empathy.

For example, you could say, “It must be frustrating having a boss who changes his mind so much,” or “You must have been disappointed when it rained and you couldn’t do your usual after-work routine today.” See if he opens up and talks about his frustrations, disappointments, and dreams.

2. Make a concerted effort to understand how your spouse thinks and feels about things going on in their world. If you have different opinions, try to understand why and how they are different. Imagine that you are on a debate team and you need to understand their point of view so that you can present it to others and defend it.

If his musical tastes are different from yours, for example, be open to learning more about why he enjoys the music he makes. Look for any common denominator between your taste and hers that you can build on.

Even if you never change your mind about your likes and dislikes, your spouse will appreciate the fact that you were motivated enough to want to better understand their world.

3. Do everything you can to show that you care about and appreciate your spouse. Most spouses take their partner for granted in many ways and fail to express appreciation and say “Thank you.”

Make an effort to notice the big and small things your partner does that you appreciate. Say a verbal “thank you” or buy a special card and put your feelings in writing. Sincere appreciation can foster the relationship.

4. When you’re talking to your spouse, try to match your breathing rate and talk to his (or hers). It’s harder to build rapport when your spouse is calm and relaxed at the time and you’re agitated and upset.

Without being obvious and making it seem like you’re imitating your partner, slow down and adjust your breathing rate to more closely match your partner’s. Align your speech rhythm to match theirs, and try to sync up with their energy right now.

You can also try sitting or standing in the same position as your spouse, without making it obvious that you are copying their behavior. Also, you can align your facial expression and gestures with his.

Many good communicators do these things unconsciously because they help build rapport and provide a good starting point for better communication. The key to doing this successfully is to start where your spouse is right now in terms of energy level and emotions.

5. Slowly encourage your partner to expand their world. For example, after listening to your spouse’s description of what happened at work, if you don’t ask how their day was, summarize what happened in two or three short sentences before ending the conversation.

If your spouse spends every night in front of the TV, ask him (or him) to select five minutes when the TV can be turned off and you can take a “snuggle break.” Start small and build up to longer periods of time.

Offer to give your spouse a foot, shoulder, or back massage. Truly immerse yourself in the experience as you ease the worries of your partner’s day with your healing touch. Let your partner know how much you enjoy being able to do this for her (or him) and see if she offers to reciprocate now or later.

You are more likely to be successful in establishing a good relationship if your partner feels that you are sincerely interested in what is happening to him (or her), appreciate him, care about him, value him, and want to spend time with him (or her). with the.

If what you’re doing isn’t working, remember the story of the dancing cow and change the “tune” you’re playing. Instead of trying to start where you want things to be, start in your partner’s frame of reference and slowly move in the direction you ultimately want to go.