Sometimes I hear of people suffering from a double whammy. Not only have they found out that their spouse has been cheating on them or having an affair, but they are also dealing with the fact that their cheating spouse is pushing them to break up.

I heard from a wife who said, “I found out about three weeks ago that my husband has been cheating on me for about two months. I was hoping he would agree to go to therapy and end the affair, but this is not what happened. Instead, he said he wants to split up because he’s not sure what he wants. He says he needs time to recover and figure out where he wants to go from here. This makes me mad. Frankly, he could have pushed for a split first if he wasn’t acting this way. But, why is he deciding to break up? I feel like he’s only doing this so he can continue to see the other woman and determine where their relationship is going. And even though it’s weird, now that he wants to leave me, I’m determined he stays. I don’t know why I feel that way, but I don’t want to break up. I feel like I need time together to figure this out before we make a decision. Is there anything I can do to make him change his mind? I’ve thought about giving him an ultimatum or trying to make him feel guilty . But I don’t know if any of these things will work because maybe he’s just determined to be with her. That I have to do?”

While he couldn’t tell this wife what she should do (since only she could make this decision), he could offer her some ideas about what her husband might be thinking or what his strategy might be. I will do it next.

Sometimes, he says that he wants a separation as part of his own strategy:

Often a cheating husband will suggest a break up as a way to beat you. Often, he hopes that wanting to separate from her means that you don’t love her as a result. The hope is that you will insist that a separation is not necessary. In this way, the power in the relationship has changed and you have taken away the ability to reflect on what you really want. And know that it is unlikely that now you are the one to suggest the separation.

I’m not saying this was definitely the case in this scenario, but it certainly was a possibility. Now, it’s certainly not out of the question that he wants time apart because he intends to see the other woman. But frankly, giving him an ultimatum or trying to make him feel guilty is unlikely to change his mind. Instead, he can further alienate him so that he is even more motivated to be with her. Your answer really depends on how you want to proceed.

How to respond if you really don’t want to part:

I know this wife was adamant that she didn’t want him to move. But she openly admitted that she herself had initially thought of a break before her husband first mentioned it. She therefore needed to honestly analyze if her reaction was genuine or if she was reacting the way she was out of pain for her actions.

If she decides she really doesn’t want to be separated, then you could ask her to take a certain amount of time before moving out. She might say something like, “I understand you’re confused, but we can’t get to where we are if you just take off without us having time to regroup. Would you agree to delay this decision for a month just to give us a chance to assess where we want to go together?”

The other alternative would be to take a somewhat tough stance. The idea is that you draw a line in the sand and let her know that not only is it unacceptable to keep seeing her, but if she does, she’ll lose access to you. To that end, you might want to say something like, “I understand you need some time. I need some time, too. But I must make it very clear that if you do become involved with other women during your separation, then our relationship will have to be put on hold.” “I can’t try to reconcile with you if I feel like you’re not being faithful to me. So if you have any interest in saving our marriage, then we need to talk in depth about delaying the separation or setting some boundaries during the separation.”

Often, when he sees that asking for a separation is not going to mean that you are going to beg him not to leave or to give him free rein with the other woman, then he begins to lose attractiveness. And he can move forward and start to heal a little faster since that problem is no longer between you.