If there’s one method of discipline that’s sure to inspire heated debate, it’s spanking. In fact, the “save the stick, pamper the kid” mentality seems to be making a comeback. I’ve heard some of the parents who participate in my workshops say that there’s nothing wrong with an occasional spank to “teach kids respect.” I believe that spanking is rarely, if ever, an effective alternative.

There are four common reasons I hear for hitting or spanking.

1. “I spank him so my son knows what it feels like”

Four-year-old Martin was putting the last block on his castle when his little sister knocked him over. Martin was furious with her for ruining her creation, so he hit her. Her mother, Joan, was equally furious with her son. As she hit Martin, she said, “This will teach you not to hit your little sister! Now you know how she feels!”

It is unlikely that Martin apologized after being spanked. And he certainly wasn’t motivated to get along with his sister. By spanking Martin, Joan was modeling the very behavior she was trying to avoid, sending him the message “when you’re angry, hit!” Especially if you are older.

A more effective solution would be to firmly state, “Spanking is not allowed in this house. I don’t blame you for getting upset, but I won’t let you hurt her.” Joan could also suggest that she next time help Martin set up a work area that is out of reach of her sister.

2. “Sometimes I just lose it.”

It’s rare that a parent doesn’t lose control from time to time. Many parents, when they are completely honest, admit that spanking does not usually occur in calm, rational moments. But we must make a real effort to manage our anger in other ways.

When you’re really angry, you run the risk of saying or doing something you would never do if you were feeling rational. That’s why it’s best to leave the scene until you can regain some self-control. Chances are, once you’ve had time to calm down, you won’t be as inclined to inflict pain.

3. “I only spank to reinforce safety lessons.” Even parents who don’t usually spank say there are exceptions, especially when safety is the issue. Sandra, for example, described how she hit her seven-year-old daughter, Sue, when she ran into the middle of the street to chase a ball. This was a serious offense and she wanted her to know it. Whipping was the only way to impress her before she had to look both ways before crossing.”

But two weeks later, Sandra told a different story: “I thought Sue got my message after I spanked her. But a few days ago, I let her walk across the street to her friend’s house by herself.” our window, I saw again that she didn’t look before crossing.”

I suggested that a better approach might be to rehearse each step with Sue: look right, then left, look right again, and look around the corner. Meanwhile, Sue should not be allowed to cross any street unsupervised until she shows that she knows how to be careful.

4. “I spank so my kids know I mean business.”

I have often heard parents express concern that if they don’t get spanked from time to time, their children will become wild or spoiled. They argue that they themselves were flogged as children, and they turned out to be fine. But being a non-spanker doesn’t mean being overly permissive. In fact, spanking is the easy way out, for both parents and children. Hitting a child allows parents to release their anger and feel that they have addressed the problem. However, when a child is spanked, he tends to feel released. (“I’ve been grounded, so I don’t have to think about it anymore.”) He doesn `t know what to do. instead, nor does it help you develop a conscience that makes you feel bad for doing something wrong. Children quickly realize that the best way to avoid getting hit is to make sure they don’t get caught.

As all of these examples have shown, inflicting pain by hitting, slapping, and spanking does not teach children to seek nonviolent solutions to their problems. What really influences children to be responsible and considerate, and to develop a conscience, is the strong bond they establish with their parents. This bond should be one of love and trust, not anger and pain.