I am often emailed by women whose husbands are having (or have recently had) an affair. They are hurt, confused and scared. They often want information and statistics on why, how, when and if men come back after cheating. Often, a woman who has been cheated on will doubt her husband’s sincerity when she wants to come back. They are afraid of being just the consolation prize when things have gone wrong with the affair.
But here he comes with his tail between his legs muttering apologies and everything is supposed to be all right again. But, that’s not really the case, at least in your head. There are trust issues. There are honesty issues. There are self-esteem issues. You can’t look at him or your marriage in the same way. You doubt that things will go back to the way they were before. I don’t know your husband, or you, or your marriage, but I can share with you what men tell me (and what my research shows) about why husbands or boyfriends almost overwhelmingly return to women who love.
Why your husband or boyfriend is likely to want to come back after being cheated on: Let’s get this out of the way. Most people assume that affairs and cheating have to do with sex, or more specifically with the man not getting what he needs at home. Let me dispel that myth right now. Men will use this as an excuse for their actions. They say this because they are expected to say it. It’s easy to escape, but it’s rarely true.
More often than not, affair and deceit are the result of your own inadequacies and emotional neediness. It just doesn’t feel “right” within itself. Doubts about his own desirability and immortality begin to invade his psyche. He is bored with his own company. Honestly, he often doesn’t look for an adventure, but finds it, and in the blink of an eye, he crossed a line that he can never jump again.
But here’s the problem. When you take this action, you hardly ever think about tomorrow or the consequences. You, your marriage, or your relationship almost never enters the equation. You don’t stop to think about how you can get out of this situation and when regret comes, it’s too late to do anything about it.
That’s when the panic sets in. How can you fix this? Making sure he never finds out. Promising to be a good husband/boyfriend and make it up to him. By swearing that this will never happen again. This all sounds good, huh? But, it is not reality. You find out and you are devastated. She had counted on you offering her a safe haven and open arms, but this is not her reality. And now, he realizes that this strange woman is not what he wanted at all. He just wanted a quick fix for his insecurities, but now he realizes there’s no such thing.
The truth is that the statistics are very clear. Very few flings turn into a long-term relationship. much less marriage. It is something fleeting because it was born from fleeting doubts. The problem is that the fall can be permanent. Because often when he realizes his big mistake and decides that he really wants what he just rejected, he has to depend on you to decide that you will accept it back.
Deciding whether or not to accept your cheating spouse: I didn’t tell you the above to plead your husband’s case. I have been cheated on in the past and I know it is devastating. I would never defend him. But, the fact is that it is up to you how you are going to proceed. You can’t pretend this didn’t happen. Life will not miraculously return to normal. You will have to address this whether you want to save the relationship or not.
You will need to analyze the relationship and determine if it is worth fighting for. You will need to determine if you can separate the actions of this man from the man himself. You have the opportunity to allow this to be the push you need to work on loving and caring for yourself. This is one of those rare occasions when the decision you make here defines your life. There is no right or wrong answer. It’s certainly not one size fits all. Some women will view the affair as a deal breaker. Others will choose to do the hard work in the marriage because they don’t want to let one mistake ruin everything. This will be up to you, but I’d be willing to bet that you’ll have a chance to make the decision, since most husbands and boyfriends eventually come back after cheating.