It is no secret that a decent percentage of adventures occur in the workplace or at someone’s work. After all, most of us spend as much time at our desks or at our jobs as we do at home with our spouse. And, in today’s economy, under pressure to perform well and spend time with others, people can become very close and attached to their co-workers. It is not uncommon to hear people describe their co-workers “like family” even though they are anything but related.

This can become a real problem when your husband has an affair (emotional or physical) with one of those co-workers and then has so much time and status invested in his job (where that same woman works) that he doesn’t want to leave or leave. quit your job once the adventure is discovered.

I recently heard from a wife who couldn’t understand why (and was furious that) her husband wouldn’t quit his job after having an affair with a coworker. She said, in part: “I knew something was wrong with my husband and his colleague when I saw them together at an office party. I confronted him when we got home, he confessed everything to me and asked for forgiveness. A part of me wants to save my marriage and get over this. And he has shown that he is willing to work with me to rebuild with one exception. He will not quit his job. Although he says he understands that it bothers me that he continues to work with a woman he cheated on me with, he insists on that leaving his job would devastate us financially and force him to turn his back on a career he has worked for all his life. I told him I don’t care about the money and we would eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for the rest of our lives If that meant taking this woman away from us. I just can’t bear the thought of him seeing her every day or having lunch with her or even interacting with her in a business setting. It just turns my stomach to shit. was thinking about it. I’ve considered giving him an ultimatum or quitting until he leaves his job, but then I worry that these things are the same as giving up. What are my options? Because right now I have no ideas. “

Understanding a husband’s refusal to quit his job after an affair: Before continuing, I want to emphasize that I am in no way defending or even sympathizing with husbands having affairs. I have dealt with an affair in my own marriage, so I would never advocate for this behavior. However, occasionally I also dialogue with men on this subject and I think it is important that you understand at least partially their thought process.

Wives often believe that their husbands will not quit their job after the affair because he wants to keep dating the other woman secretly or cannot bear to be separated from her. I can’t say that this is never the case, because sometimes it is. But there are many other valid reasons why you are reluctant to quit your job.

A well-known factor that contributes to a man having an affair is low self-esteem. Often times a man who cheats or has an affair is struggling a lot with this problem. It is important to understand that a man’s self-esteem can be closely tied to his job or career achievements. So asking you to quit the same job that is often intimately tied to your own identity may seem like a lot to ask at the time.

Many men will be annoyed that you don’t trust them enough to allow them to keep their job, but this is only part of the story. Many feel embarrassed about their behavior and fear more embarrassment at having to change their lives and career paths due to someone else’s whims and wishes. This can be seen as behavior that is not very masculine (although it really shouldn’t matter what other people think).

Finally, many men are honest when they tell you that they are concerned about the financial implications of leaving their job. In today’s economy, being unemployed (even if you choose this path yourself) is an extremely scary and risky place. It is not always easy (or even possible) to find a comparable job with a comparable salary. Many men in this situation will tell you that they have already lost so much to the affair, so they don’t want to lose an important constant in their lives right now. They don’t want to add financial problems to the considerable problems they already have.

Finding some compromise until your husband can quit or adjust his job: Sometimes when it is clear that you are not willing to quit your job for now and it is also clear that this is exactly what you need from it, it is advisable to seek compromises so that both people feel that they are at least getting some of their work. needs are being met and being heard, at least until a resolution is reached.

Because it is important for you to know that your husband’s contact with the other woman is completely stopped (or at least drastically reduced), your husband could request a transfer, request a new partner, or adjust his duties. He might encourage you to have lunch with him every day so you don’t have to worry about them being together after hours. They may call you frequently to verify that you know that you are still on their mind. And the two of you could work together to set a deadline for him to find another job while you both actively search for resumes for other companies.

It’s important to feel like you are working together to find a resolution and that while you may not have the exact resolution you want at the time you want it, you are at least willing to meet halfway through so that you both feel validated.

To begin to recover from an affair, both people must feel that their spouse is willing to work with them to give them what they want and need. The wife needed to know that her husband took her feelings and concerns seriously enough to make some adjustments and take some action, while the husband needed to know that his wife was not determined to see him lose everything by having an affair.